Devastated

For you humans who read this blog, please take note:

Pookah is a master of many arts: Napping, Stalking, Hunting, Pouncing, Eating, Purring, Literature, String Theory, and Literary Arts. Few humans take the time to understand the amount of small tasty bird-fueled effort that goes into achieving even the most basic levels of expertise in these, and other, neo-classical feline pursuits.

Some humans, irritatingly, believe that they have found shortcuts.

A very wise person once said to me that I would find out what kind of person I really was during the worst moments of my life. Out of respect for this person, I held my tongue. I had already faced many, some nearly fatal, crises. I already knew what kind of person I was.

What you didn’t know then, and still have trouble with now, is arrogance.

Except for that “now” part, that is arguably true. Speaking of which, off my keyboard, now!

Hmph!

I was flat-out wrong. When one is a victim, really a victim – as in nearly lethal medical mistakes while undergoing treatment, all one learns is what is really important in your own life: Family, friends, past regrets, lost opportunities, and the like. I know those well enough to have my own bucket list.

No, what that mentor was trying to tell me was that I would find out what kind of person I was when I, personally, was devastated – physically, mentally, and emotionally. Here is one such event: My health had been declining for over a year. The prognosis was not good – undertake a grueling treatment and live, or waste away and die painfully within a short time span. At the same time, my relationship with my then-s.o. was going downhill – partly due to then-s.o.’s inability to deal with my declining health, and partly due to my own personality (I was unwilling to do anything to end a relationship that needed, desperately, to end months before; so I dragged it out). This was among many other issues in that relationship. Shortly after I told my then-s.o. about the prognosis, then-s.o. left me for someone else. Yes. I should have seen that coming. There were plenty of warning signs. But I didn’t want to see them or end a relationship that I had come to depend on for support during this trial. Simultaneously, several people that I thought were trusted and true friends turned out not to be. An entire network of support that I had built up collapsed, burned, exploded, then imploded, and certain individuals came by to kick the ashes around.

My physical and emotional resources were completely drained. I was utterly alone with no one to lean on, in constant physical pain that could not be relieved, even temporarily; and I had an easy way to go into the hereafter – just lay down and wait for it to end. I had been beaten down. Busted up. Kicked to the curb. Stomped.

I found out more about what kind of person I really am than I ever even dreamed before. I found some more of my true self. Just like my old mentor said I would. I didn’t like some of what I found out about myself. Such as, I have little patience….

Negative Patience!!!

… for what appears to me as unreasoning foolishness. I don’t have time for it. It also frustrates the heck out of me when I engage in unreasoning foolishness myself! But I’ve come to rely on the other things I did find out about myself. I didn’t give up. I didn’t quit. I did what I needed to in order to have a life with meaning, fulfilment, and purpose. Even at its worst, I found that I could still offer help to others. I took several huge steps towards becoming the sort of person that I’ve always admired. I found that I have reserves of strength and will that have served me immensely well since then. My limits, I discovered, were far greater than I had “known”.

Knowledge of your true self is an invaluable tool in your financial efforts. Are you the sort of person to rush into things that appear to be a good deal, only to find that they aren’t? Do you, like me, tend to wait too long before committing to a good financial opportunity? Do you know why you do these things?

Pookah knows why Pookah does what Pookah does.

If you can honestly answer that last question fully, then you know something of your true self.

I also learned a lot about the people I knew during that time, about their true selves. I learned how to more easily recognize those characteristics, good and bad, in people I would meet later in life. I also made the mistake of over-generalizing the bad things that happened to me. But what I learned about my true self allowed me to see that mistake and do something about it.

I didn’t know if I could do it, at the time.

I stared down one of the worst times of my life, and didn’t blink.

I kept my heart, and my soul.

And was found by Pookah.

Who rewarded me with nibbled fingers.

Only when teasing Pookah by touching savory peanut butter, without giving some to Pookah.

One Response to “Devastated”

  1. Khaled says:

    inaminor:?????????, ??????????????????????? tuglotoay, ?? ?? ??? ? ??? 180 ?? ?? ??? ?????????????, ??????? ?? ??? iff ??? 180 ?? ?? ??? ??????????, ???????? 180 ???????? tuglotoay ??? ?????????????????????? ???, ???????????????, ??????? tuglotoay ?????????, ?????????????????? ????? , ???????????? ???????????????? tuglotoay ? criterion

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